I'm going to share something here that virtually no one knows about except our family and extremely close family and friends.
I remember the day very clearly. We were at my parents' beach house for a vacation, and I had noticed a few signs and symptoms that pointed towards pregnancy, so excitedly, Tye and I went straight to the drug store and bought 800 pregnancy tests. Well, as excited as we were, we documented the results:
We were pregnant with our second child!! And could not have been more excited! I immediately fell in love with my little bean, and began to wonder if it would be a boy or a girl. We were so excited, and immediately told our family and best friends (which I later discovered was a huge mistake).
Fast forward a few weeks, and I noticed something was seriously wrong. I won't go in to details, but I was about 95% sure that I was losing our baby. Tye tried to tell me to stay positive, and that we didn't know for sure that's what was happening, but I just knew it my gut. The process lasted about a week. We went to the doctor to see what was going on, and to my worst fear, he confirmed what I had known to be true: we had lost our baby. I had become part of the 8-20% club of women who have had a miscarriage. My heart sank, as I sat and wondered what I did wrong. Wondered if it was the Tylenol I took, or the cups of coffee I drank before I knew I was pregnant. Wondered if something had happened since I'd had my daughter, and now I wouldn't be able to get pregnant again.
But you want to know what one of the hardest parts was? Telling the friends and family who already knew we had been pregnant. I made Tye tell most of them - I was not up for sharing details, or hearing, "Are you sure?" or "How do you know?" or "What happened?" I was trying hard not to think about it, let alone talk about it.
And literally the next week, Tye and I flew to LA for some work and the ESPY'S. On one hand, it was a good distraction from what my body was going through, but on the other, do you know how hard it was to put that smile on my face?
I remember walking the red carpet, putting a smile on my face, and trying to not think about what was going on in our personal life. And then…..BAM…..the first interview that I did on the red carpet, the woman asked, "So, when are you guys going to have more children? It's about time, isn't it?"
I politely smiled an answered, "It'll happen when it's meant to happen…" After that, we decided not to do anymore interviews - assuming that question would be the most asked (since it usually is). Tye and I walked inside together and I found myself thinking how amazing it is that internally you can be going through so much, and externally no one has any idea.
My thoughts wonder though: What classifies as a loss? Or at least a loss that is worth grieving over? I ask this because I have seen WAY too many of my friends and loved ones experience loss that is so much greater. From suffering from years of infertility, to late term miscarriages, to full-term still born babies (NONE of which seems fair). So am I selfish that I grieved the loss of a first trimester baby, pretty quick and painlessly? It's not like I had a name, or a nursery, or felt it kick, or really experienced anything other than just knowing I was pregnant. And do you know how many times I heard, "Well, at least it happened early, before you could really become attached," or, "You know, it wasn't even really a baby that early on." (still not sure what to say to that one…) Yes, it happened early, but that doesn't mean that my heart still didn't break, or that I didn't cried pretty hard over it. But it did make me feel guilty for grieving so much over it. Were they right? Did it really not matter since it happened so early? Should I just be thankful that it happened early?
What I learned though is that a loss is a loss, no matter what stage it happens at. And you can grieve however you want, at whatever the stage of that loss happens. I have joined the club of women who have little angel babies waiting for them in Heaven. And I can smile now about my experience, knowing one day I will meet my little Angel Baby….